Time does fly and it flies fast! The more I think of it, the more I get nervous about it.
Well, here’ s the thing, for the past five years, I’ve been struggling to search for scholarship to fund my PhD study. I don’t know how many scholarships I’ve applied to, how many sites I’ve browsed to, how many universities I’ve contacted in order to look for a research assistant position, and how many tears I’ve cried for I was never granted any of those. Until few months ago, exactly in September 2007, my cel phone rang on a nice Saturday morning. I wasn’t gonna answer the phone as I didn’t recognize the number, but that morning, something inside of me seemed like telling me that this might be an important call. So I answered the call and to my surprise, the man accross the line congratulated me because I was granted a Fulbright scholarship for a PhD study in the US, commencing in Fall 2008!! I was speechless. I looked at the mirror and realized how dumb I looked for hearing the news. After five consecutive, struggling years, it all pays back! I got it! I kneeled and put my forehead on the floor as a ritual for being grateful to The One and Only Creator of this universe.
Then the next steps began: I had to take series of aptitude test such as GRE, GMAT, and TOEFL – the last time I took those tests was about 12 years ago, before I enroled in the master’s degree program. Boy, it’s not easy apparently. Not to mention that for 12 years, one’s brain’s capability can diminish in an unbelievable pace! If I used to be able to read a reading passage once before answering the questions correctly, this time, I had to read it three times and sometimes must go back to the passage while answering the questions. Along with these frightening tests, I was told that spouse and children were allowed to accompany the scholarship grantees during their study, however, they weren’t allowed to go along at the same time as the grantees. Meaning, I have to fly to the US first and my husband and daughter followed after at least one month – this is information I got from a Fulbright grantee who’s already in the US. But one official mentioned something about a few months – an information that made me anxious, thinking that I would be separated for a few months from my family – my husband and daughter.
I have never been away from my family more than a week. Now I have to be away from them for a few months? Of course, everything comes with a price – in my case the price for this scholarship is the temporary separation from a family. I understand that that is a logical consequence but still, I’m nervous about it. If I take a broader concept of what constitutes a family, that should include my parents, my 63-year old parents. To be temporarily separated from my core family for few months has already brought a certain distress. What about temporarily separation from my parents for 5-6 years? To make me feel worse, they are getting older as time flies so fast. What kind of distress am I looking at? The thought of a temporary separation didn’t bother me as much few months ago as I kept saying to myself: “Well… it’ll still be next year so I why should I worry about it now..” But now is that “next year” – the very term that I used to make me feel better; a term that was used to manipulate my feelings of anxiety.
How time flies.. Once it was September 2007, then came along the October, November, December, and oh my goodness… the 2008 is here! I’m getting closer to that particular moment that has made me feel somehow insecure! As I’m writing this posting, I’ve been trying to hold back my tears. Some wild memories jumped into the picture, depicting me in my childhood: I was hugged gently and safely by my mom while my dad sitting on the edge of the bed, playing his guitar and singing my favorite song before I slept – a family ritual during my childhood. I can still remember the song and every time I hear it now, it works like Pavlov’s theory of classical conditioning – I feel soothed and peaceful. And I’m leaving them for a few years in a very short time, to be more exact, in 5 months from now (or 12 months from the day I got the news).
How time flies – that’s also what’s gonna happen when I’m doing my study. How time flies so fast that without realizing it, I’ll be with my family again – my core family and my parents – soon…sooner than I thought, cause time does fly and it flies fast…
) yet, I just had a chance about few seconds ago to create my account. This writing will be my first debut in this space. Despite too many things that are running around inside my brain, I don’t have any interesting ideas to share at this moment, to be honest with you all. So, please spare me if the writing of my FIRST DEBUT bores the h*** out of you 
