This posting should’ve been posted about a couple of weeks ago but didn’t have a chance – yet – to post it. I even thought of canceling the posting at that time, but then I re-thougt again ‘hm.. somebody might get something beneficial out of this story’ and that’s the point of this blog: to share and spread something good for the society. So, here I am posting quite an outdated story of my experience. It’s quite gloomy for me at the beginning, but inspirational at the end, so sit back and enjoy..

This posting was written on Febr 29, 2008:

I’m sitting down on a woodened chair in a coffee shop, wondering why things happened the way it was. I was so stunned to learn that no matter how hard you try, results are often unpredictable, out of your hand.. My mind is racing, trying to make sense out of everything that just passed.

About exactly 1,5 hours ago, I did my 3rd GMAT (Graduate Admission Test). It’s an aptitude test required for continuing education, especially for business administration. I was shocked, looking at certain numbers shown on a screen of a testing computer. Sitting powerlessly, I was stunned staring at the screen. There was a series of number that I couldn’t ever think of getting – certainly a series of number I never expected! Those numbers were my 3rd GMAT score and it’s way lower than that of my first one.

My first test scored “X”. I was a bit dissatisfied with the result but it’s OK because I realized I wasn’t well-prepared for the test. Then came along the 2nd test. I scored 30 points higher than the previous one. Well done, I praised myself for having been able to increase the score although for just a bit. But still, there was some improvement. But apparently, that score wasn’t good enough for my purpose of taking this GMAT. So I was told to take the 3rd one by my sponsor, just in case the 3rd’s result would turn out way higher.

Empirical study – my experience at least – showed that there was an increase in score from the two attempts, I was too confident to conclude a non-statistically significant positive correlation between the score and the number of test-taking. Fatuously, I thought: the more frequent I take the test, the better my result will be. That’s my hypotheses – what a 2nd grader’s hypotheses!

For this 3rd test, I took a different approach in studying and preparing myself for the test. The first two tests, I was so stressed-out, anxious, nervous, unfocus, unprepared, edgy, and all of other unfavorable attitudes – you name it! To be honest, I never expected that my 2nd test turned out to be better that the first one. So, on this 3rd test, I practiced to focus, to not to freeze my mind as happened on the 2nd test (yes, I froze on the 2nd test, yet the result was unexpectedly good). I decided not to study one night before the test in order to relax my mind. I believed when I was relaxed, I would perform better. Along with this new approach, I doubled the frequency of my spiritual connection with God in the form of presenting more prayers. In short, I was absolutely sure that I was very well-prepared, much better prepared and thus, I would get much higher score! Oh in addition, I also tried to embed certain “good”, “positive” feelings into my mind, affirming myself that I would earn higher score, visualizing a certain score in my mind. My reference of doing this was the bestseller book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnes (at the end, it’s either I disagree with some of the book’s claims or I misunderstood the claims).

Anyway, all of amunitions were prepared for this test. During the test, I was smiling confidently, knowing that I knew – I thought I knew – 80% of the answers. Until I arrived at the end of the test, the moment of truth was about to reveal… Minutes before the score screen was shown, I smiled, closed my eyes, prayed, and was so confident. Then…voila! I scored “X-10″ (remember X represents my first test’s score)!! Speechless, shocked, distraught, broken down, about to break into tears….

I left the test centre, perplexed… I couldn’t help myself of getting mad at everything, everybody, the computer (because it was frozen for a few seconds prior to showing my score, so I had a thought it might be a technical problem), the administrator, myself and mostly…my destiny!!! I was mad, disgruntled, distraught, furious, yet I couldn’t figure out how the result turned out horribly like that. Eighty percent sure that I knew the answer, clicked the right one, and look what I got, a low score! Congratulations… :( I found a total resentment in myself. I kept asking questions to anything I stumbled upon on the way to this coffee shop, to anybody, to my husband through a 60 minutes talk on the phone: how this could happen to me? I studied, worked hard, was totally cognizant prior to the test. I did what The Secret book told me to do (or perhaps I thought it told me to do), and still I didn’t get what I expected. WHY????

Followed by this notes – written on March 3, 2008:

So I’ve been contemplating to make sense out of everything for the past three days. I’ve been involved in a heavy discussion with my husband (thank you dear.. for snapping me out of it :) ). I’ve been searching for satisfying rational answers. I didn’t find ones that fulfil my desire for explanation until I included one aspect into the equation. That very one aspect was a spiritual element.

Rationally, things should’ve not turned out the way they were. Supposedly and logically, if one studied hard to prepare for the upcoming test and he or she was exposed to similar tests several times before, he or she should be able to overcome whatever problems that come out of the test in a much better way. Not only that, sometimes the answers were there in the person’s head but as the mind was entangled, the answers weren’t released by the neurons in the brain. This is what I call as lacking of mind focus. So, if in addition to study hard, one devotes all of his or her efforts in focusing his or her mind, then the result should be way much better. Those were all that I had done prior to my 3rd test but why did it have to end up with way lower score? Perhaps, it’s about time to consider some irrational explanations, I thought.. And there I went, I included these irrational, spiritual explanations into the equation and I found amazing findings that snapped me out of this abysmal feelings!

I was encarcerated in a SELF-ARROGANCE and SUPERIORITY, so entangled that I just didn’t want to get out of the cage of arrogance and superiority. I looked back to any other attitudes unrelated to this situation and I was surprised to find out that I had been so arrogant all this time. It is not necessarily reflected on my quotidian behavior as I behaved just like all normal people out there. But then I realized that it wasn’t my behavior after all, it was my mind, my attitude, my feelings that were locked in the cage of “I’m better”-ness. I might not grin when I saw something foolish but inside of my head, I had been saying this to the object of foolishness “You’re such a stupid, living creature…” God, forgive me for being cruel in mind.. God forgive me for always thinking that I’m superior than others… God forgive me for simplifying the matter way much simpler than it supposed to be.. God forgive me for taking everything for granted! I have paid for what I have done.

Thank you God, for giving me a lower score on my 3rd GMAT test because now I learn how not to become or even think of being superior and arrogant. Without it, I would continue maintaining these despicable characteristics in myself and that – to me – is the moral story behind my GMAT situation!