The Journey of My Thoughts

I ended up writing this post after a friend of mine called and shared her cliche complain with me: an argument with her husband – a thing that most of married women (and men for sure) have been through. I understood her frustration and her feeble state of mind as well, as I had been through that situation. We all would feel as the most miserable individual at that time. It was like nobody would ever experience anything more depressive than what happened to us. That’s a normal feeling when you’re disconconsolate. So many times have I heard someone or some friends saying: “We’re not even two years married yet. It’s supposed to be our honeymoon, but instead of getting roses, I get to fight with him for stupid reasons. I don’t understand… First years of marriage are supposed to be sweet.”

Oh, really? And what happen to the rest of your marriage life? They’re not supposed to be sweet? Well baby, I’m way out of your league in that matter! You watch too much soap operas, you read too many girlie magazines, you’re trapped in the fantasy of Barbie Fairytopia and the likes, and you’re exposed to too many E! Entertainment shows – from Top 10 Celebrities’ Romance to Top 10 Celeb’s Breakups!

You live your life in a fantasy world – the fantasy of romance where all beautiful princesses are gorgeously dressed with their best wedding gown, encircled by their hot, sexy, gorgeous princes each of which bring a dozen of red roses and a diamond ring to win the ladies’ hearts. Oh, not only that! You expect that your newly wed husband comes home every night bringing a box of chocolates, or roses (again..), or just any simple gift, telling you not to cook tonight because he’s going to take you out for a romantic, candle light dinner. Do you really expect him to do this everyday, every night, every second? Honey dear, wake up! It’s a real world you live in!

Marriage is not supposed to be sweet at the beginning! Why? Marriage is about assembling two wholly-different individuals with two wholly-different personalities and past experiences into one single sacred institution. Logically, if one has lived for years in certain habits, how could she or he switch her or his habits just in a snap of a finger in one night? So of course there will be conflicts, disagreements, teeth-gnashing, and so on. How could it be sweet then? All of those frictions and conflicts are normal – as long as there is no domestic violence involved.

Marriage is about breaking and demolishing walls of ego! Yes, it’s THE EGO that keeps you stay still within the circle of a never-ending argument over simple, stupid reasons. It’s THE EGO that makes you want him to do things the way you want and not the other way around. It’s THE EGO that makes you ask “What about me? What about my rights? What about what I want?” It’s all about a substance called EGO. And guess what? The learning process that one must go through to demolish the walls of ego, unfortunately, happens within the first few years of marriage. I ask you again, how could you expect that it’s supposed to be sweet while the process would involve some sour and bitter element?

Marriage is supposed to be like a wine. It gets better with age. It doesn’t taste as good at the beginning but it’s supposed to be yummy afterwards. Of course, not all marriage goes with the law of wine, but as I said earlier, it’s supposed to be. If, and only if, that is the paradigm, then many marriages will be saved because then, nobody would expect to have a juicy, fruity taste of marriage at the beginning and when things get worse, they complain and start to build their walls of ego. Instead, with this paradigm, couples will accept it as a normal process in life – as normal as breathing itself and it will lessen any distraught that emerges otherwise.

Tiga kali sudah saya menyaksikan film Ayat-ayat Cinta yang begitu menghebohkan. Film yang diangkat dari novel bestseller karya Habiburachman El Shirazy ini mampu menyedot perhatian segala lapisan masyarakat, mulai dari ibu-ibu, anak-anak yang tengah menyongsong ke-ABG-annya, sampai kakek-kakek dan bahkan anak-anak gaul yang kalau dilihat dari tampilannya, sepertinya bukan target market untuk film semacam AAC ini. Apa dikata, tokh mereka tetap dengan sabar dan taklim terjebak dalam antrian panjang luar biasa untuk membeli tiket masuk film AAC.

Kali pertama, saya berangkat sendiri ke bioskop untuk menyaksikan film ini. Teman-teman saya bilang, “Busyet.. Niat bener yak?” Saya tidak pedulikan karena saya memang lebih menikmati nonton sendiri untuk film-film ber-genre semacam in. Puas dan bebas menangis tersedu-sedu atau bahkan tertawa terbahak-bahak jika saya menonton film-film drama. Kali kedua, dengan ibu saya. Gantian ibunda saya menangis tersedu-sedu, saya masih ikut larut dalam keharuan di kesempatan kedua ini. Kali ketiga, saya bersama para ibu guru kelas anak saya. Di kali ketiga ini, saya tidak secengeng pertama dan kedua, tetapi masih ada saja adegan yang selalu mengundang airmata saya, baik pada kali pertama sampai ketiga menyaksikan film ini.

Adegan itu tidak lain adalah adegan ketika Fahri di penjara menerima surat pemberitahuna dari Universitas Al-Azhar bahwa ia dikeluarkan dari universitas. Saat itu, dunia Fahri benar-benar ambruk. Ia menangis sejadi-jadinya bahkan berontak kepada Tuhan dengan berteriak “Apa salah saya pada Allah?!”. Kawan satu sel Fahri – yang digambarkan agak sedikit sinting – tertawa terkekeh-kekeh sementara Fahri begitu terpukulnya. Saya pikir, ‘emang gokil nih orang’. Tapi adegan selanjutnya benar-benar di luar dugaan saya. Justru dari mulut si gila itu malah keluar kata-kata bijak yang orang waras seringkali melupakannya. Lepas dari apakah adegan itu masuk akal karena kata-kata bijak itu bisa muncul dari seorang tahanan yang rada sinting, saya cukup tersentuh dengannya.

Kutipan saya tidak 100% persis benar tapi kira-kira si tahanan sinting itu berkata, “Tuhan sedang bicara padamu, Fahri. Engkau sombong, maka Tuhan sedang bicara padamu. Engkau sombong, merasa yang paling benar, yang paling suci..” Lalu selanjutnya si sinting menyitir salah satu cerita dalam Al-Quran, tentang Nabi Yusuf yang difitnah telah memperkosa Zulaikha. Zulaikha memfitnah Nabi Yusuf karena ia tidak tahan melihat ketampanannya sehingga ia ingin memilikinya tapi dengan cara-cara yang munkar, dengan memfitnahnya. Berat sekali cobaan Nabi Yusuf saat itu. Cerita itu disitir karena keadaan Fahri hampir mirip dengan apa yang terjadi pada Nabi Yusuf.

“Kau tahu apa yang dikatakan Yusuf?? Kau tahu? Yusuf berkata, Ya Allah, jika penjara itu lebih baik bagiku maka aku lebih memilih di penjara tapi dekat dengan-Mu, Ya Allah, daripada di luar penjara berkumpul dengan orang-orang pendusta itu!!” sambung si tahanan sinting kepada Fahri.

“Sabar dan ikhlas, Fahri.. Sabar dan ikhlas, itulah Islam..”

Adegan ini selalu menyentuh saya, menyentuh hati nurani saya yang terdalam, dan mempermalukan saya dengan menunjukkan betapa saya sering tenggelam dalam kesombongan, ketidaksabaran, dan ketidak ikhlasan.. Hal-hal kecil yang tidak mengenakkan saja sudah membuat saya tidak sabar. Orang lain memperlakukan saya dengan cara yang tidak saya sukai, saya sudah tidak rela. Ada orang yang kadang-kadang ‘omong gede’ saya sudah langsung melecehkannya dalam hati.

Apa yang saya alami tidak ada seujung kukunya dari apa yang dialami Fahri (dalam film) ataupun Nabi Yusuf saat itu. Tapi tokh seringkali saya merasa menjadi orang paling menderita di dunia. Saya merasa dunia tidak adil kepada saya. Saya merasa kenapa saya selalu harus melewati proses penderitaan sedangkan orang lain bisa langsung masuk jalan tol. Padahal apa yang saya alami ternyata tidak sebanding dengan penderitaan orang-orang lain dan mereka tetap bisa sabar dan ikhlas. Benar-benar suatu pencerahan bagi saya yang sering harus selalu “diingatkan”..

This posting should’ve been posted about a couple of weeks ago but didn’t have a chance – yet – to post it. I even thought of canceling the posting at that time, but then I re-thougt again ‘hm.. somebody might get something beneficial out of this story’ and that’s the point of this blog: to share and spread something good for the society. So, here I am posting quite an outdated story of my experience. It’s quite gloomy for me at the beginning, but inspirational at the end, so sit back and enjoy..

This posting was written on Febr 29, 2008:

I’m sitting down on a woodened chair in a coffee shop, wondering why things happened the way it was. I was so stunned to learn that no matter how hard you try, results are often unpredictable, out of your hand.. My mind is racing, trying to make sense out of everything that just passed.

About exactly 1,5 hours ago, I did my 3rd GMAT (Graduate Admission Test). It’s an aptitude test required for continuing education, especially for business administration. I was shocked, looking at certain numbers shown on a screen of a testing computer. Sitting powerlessly, I was stunned staring at the screen. There was a series of number that I couldn’t ever think of getting – certainly a series of number I never expected! Those numbers were my 3rd GMAT score and it’s way lower than that of my first one.

My first test scored “X”. I was a bit dissatisfied with the result but it’s OK because I realized I wasn’t well-prepared for the test. Then came along the 2nd test. I scored 30 points higher than the previous one. Well done, I praised myself for having been able to increase the score although for just a bit. But still, there was some improvement. But apparently, that score wasn’t good enough for my purpose of taking this GMAT. So I was told to take the 3rd one by my sponsor, just in case the 3rd’s result would turn out way higher.

Empirical study – my experience at least – showed that there was an increase in score from the two attempts, I was too confident to conclude a non-statistically significant positive correlation between the score and the number of test-taking. Fatuously, I thought: the more frequent I take the test, the better my result will be. That’s my hypotheses – what a 2nd grader’s hypotheses!

For this 3rd test, I took a different approach in studying and preparing myself for the test. The first two tests, I was so stressed-out, anxious, nervous, unfocus, unprepared, edgy, and all of other unfavorable attitudes – you name it! To be honest, I never expected that my 2nd test turned out to be better that the first one. So, on this 3rd test, I practiced to focus, to not to freeze my mind as happened on the 2nd test (yes, I froze on the 2nd test, yet the result was unexpectedly good). I decided not to study one night before the test in order to relax my mind. I believed when I was relaxed, I would perform better. Along with this new approach, I doubled the frequency of my spiritual connection with God in the form of presenting more prayers. In short, I was absolutely sure that I was very well-prepared, much better prepared and thus, I would get much higher score! Oh in addition, I also tried to embed certain “good”, “positive” feelings into my mind, affirming myself that I would earn higher score, visualizing a certain score in my mind. My reference of doing this was the bestseller book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnes (at the end, it’s either I disagree with some of the book’s claims or I misunderstood the claims).

Anyway, all of amunitions were prepared for this test. During the test, I was smiling confidently, knowing that I knew – I thought I knew – 80% of the answers. Until I arrived at the end of the test, the moment of truth was about to reveal… Minutes before the score screen was shown, I smiled, closed my eyes, prayed, and was so confident. Then…voila! I scored “X-10″ (remember X represents my first test’s score)!! Speechless, shocked, distraught, broken down, about to break into tears….

I left the test centre, perplexed… I couldn’t help myself of getting mad at everything, everybody, the computer (because it was frozen for a few seconds prior to showing my score, so I had a thought it might be a technical problem), the administrator, myself and mostly…my destiny!!! I was mad, disgruntled, distraught, furious, yet I couldn’t figure out how the result turned out horribly like that. Eighty percent sure that I knew the answer, clicked the right one, and look what I got, a low score! Congratulations… I found a total resentment in myself. I kept asking questions to anything I stumbled upon on the way to this coffee shop, to anybody, to my husband through a 60 minutes talk on the phone: how this could happen to me? I studied, worked hard, was totally cognizant prior to the test. I did what The Secret book told me to do (or perhaps I thought it told me to do), and still I didn’t get what I expected. WHY????

Followed by this notes – written on March 3, 2008:

So I’ve been contemplating to make sense out of everything for the past three days. I’ve been involved in a heavy discussion with my husband (thank you dear.. for snapping me out of it ). I’ve been searching for satisfying rational answers. I didn’t find ones that fulfil my desire for explanation until I included one aspect into the equation. That very one aspect was a spiritual element.

Rationally, things should’ve not turned out the way they were. Supposedly and logically, if one studied hard to prepare for the upcoming test and he or she was exposed to similar tests several times before, he or she should be able to overcome whatever problems that come out of the test in a much better way. Not only that, sometimes the answers were there in the person’s head but as the mind was entangled, the answers weren’t released by the neurons in the brain. This is what I call as lacking of mind focus. So, if in addition to study hard, one devotes all of his or her efforts in focusing his or her mind, then the result should be way much better. Those were all that I had done prior to my 3rd test but why did it have to end up with way lower score? Perhaps, it’s about time to consider some irrational explanations, I thought.. And there I went, I included these irrational, spiritual explanations into the equation and I found amazing findings that snapped me out of this abysmal feelings!

I was encarcerated in a SELF-ARROGANCE and SUPERIORITY, so entangled that I just didn’t want to get out of the cage of arrogance and superiority. I looked back to any other attitudes unrelated to this situation and I was surprised to find out that I had been so arrogant all this time. It is not necessarily reflected on my quotidian behavior as I behaved just like all normal people out there. But then I realized that it wasn’t my behavior after all, it was my mind, my attitude, my feelings that were locked in the cage of “I’m better”-ness. I might not grin when I saw something foolish but inside of my head, I had been saying this to the object of foolishness “You’re such a stupid, living creature…” God, forgive me for being cruel in mind.. God forgive me for always thinking that I’m superior than others… God forgive me for simplifying the matter way much simpler than it supposed to be.. God forgive me for taking everything for granted! I have paid for what I have done.

Thank you God, for giving me a lower score on my 3rd GMAT test because now I learn how not to become or even think of being superior and arrogant. Without it, I would continue maintaining these despicable characteristics in myself and that – to me – is the moral story behind my GMAT situation!